My Apocalypse

When was the last time that you’ve taken a serious look at yourself in the mirror?  Is the reflection looking back at you who you thought you’d become? Do you even know the person staring back at you anymore? Do you wear the wrinkles or scars you have proudly, or are they a reminder of the stress you’ve put on yourself by trying to conform?

Conformity has its place in life and it can be advantageous to all of us.  We need laws and rules to provide some structure and guidance to live amicably amongst one another. If we were all anarchists, we’d probably all be dead by now, but is extreme conformity any better? How alive do you actually feel?  Have you ever tried to conform so much that you’ve completely lost your true authentic self?

The past few years of my life I’ve tried so hard to please other people – to meet their expectations, their standards, that I’ve completely lost myself.  I still have the same sarcastic and cynical point of view, the same laugh and smile, the intensity of my eyes can still pierce through yours like a laser, and my words are still like blunt force trauma to your head.  Yeah…straight-forward, candid, forthright, intense – all of these words have always been used to describe me.

My personality and my mannerisms may seem the same, but the core of me has changed.  I’ve been so busy trying to please everyone else, by trying to fix everything, solve every problem (all to play by the rules) that I stopped doing all the very things that I enjoy, the things that make me feel whole.

I don’t claim to be the progeny of Vincent van Gogh or Salvador Dali, but I’ve completely lost my artistic expression. I used to sing, paint (horribly), make glassware, jewelry, and write.  I’d write so sloppily and frequently that I’d have trouble deciphering the words on each page in the following days. I may have found my voice again, but singing has been reduced to a long card ride, painting to a painting with a twist class as a social gathering, and the latter has simply expired.

My mind has also become so work-oriented that its impossible for me to flip the switch back to the reality that matters, our true selves.   Every interaction is a business transaction, every problem needs to be managed and controlled, and every opportunity to grow can only be pursued if someone else is watering the seed.  I can water my own seed.  I can grow!

I know the idea of a zombie apocalypse is supposed to be science-fiction, but are you sure we aren’t already living in a post-apocalyptic zombie world?

 

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